Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Randomize
