I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
