I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize