After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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