mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
We are all done wearing pants today
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
