Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
