god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
