god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
