We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
