I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
