READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
