Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
