I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
