On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
