We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
