In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
