No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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