I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
