I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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