I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
