i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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