She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
