You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
