drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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