I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Dear god my vagina.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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