you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
