I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Just invented taco cereal.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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