A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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