remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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