you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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