Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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