when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
