i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
