I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
