I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
