my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
please come you make the beer taste better
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
