OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
