I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I'm both gender and math confused
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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