dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
