i really wish james franco would like my vagina
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
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You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
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i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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