I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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