please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
