doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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