guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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