Betty ford says i'm here all night
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
