Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Randomize
