i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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