Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Randomize
