Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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