Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
