His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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