I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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