I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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