allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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