So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I met the friendliest cop last night
He uses pillows to masturbate.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
