I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
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