i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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