i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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