I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I want her autograph on my taint
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
