I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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