her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
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I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
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There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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