guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
